retreat, retreat

i've been too much out there in the world lately, among the bona fide adults, and I'm ready for a good retreat. hovel, where are you?

in college i was so hungry for the association of better minds: i went to every reading, every conference, every art show i could get an invitation to. i hung back for the most part, finding somewhere to go or something to do during intermissions and receptions, wanting to ask all kinds of questions, but not particularly wanting to be seen socially. forcing myself to make conversation when i would have rather just stared. that's what it means to be shy: making a job of observing without really participating. saying only what has to be said.

i'm as hungry now as ever for that association, but now i'm in the over-thirty crowd and i realize that opportunities for community--at least the kind of community i long for--are not always free and forthcoming: i have to make them happen.

example 1: a band i love came to a town two hours away and i bought two tickets, not knowing who would be able to go with me, or how even i could go when there are two kids at home. i counted on the universe {more specifically, my friends and family} to provide me with a "date" and a night off. and to see the way they pulled together to give me that night would melt your heart down to a warm little heart nugget.

so, i've been doing some kind of selfish things. example 2: on friday i went to a conference on poetry & religion and saw several people whose work i've admired, including my first poetry teacher, who has had a very important influence on my own writing. the then me would have enjoyed the reading and gone home comfortable, if sorry to see it end. the now me invited {coerced? kidnapped?} him after the conference and brought him home to meet bim and have dinner with us.

if i'd had the forethought to arrange some kind of dinner party before making an impulsive invitation, i could have provided him with a more entertaining evening. as it was, we managed take-out and some basic conversation before we took him back to his hotel. but we got entertained, so in a selfish way, i got just what i wanted. i am now in further debt to the universe.

i'm writing about this in search of a point...i think it has something to do with taking what you want. i do wonder at the cost to others. my sister, for example, gave up her entire day to make mine possible; bim, also, who agreed to "work" from home {when what he really needed was the chance to get some work done} and then cut out early to bring home dinner for our guest. and, of course, our guest poet, who gave up what is probably a rare opportunity to write/work/reflect in peace, miles away from job & obligations.

for now i am putting guilt and self-doubt away and taking some time alone in my office to enjoy some new poetry collections. some time to make something of these opportunities, which might seem small but are not. not to me.